My Rating System.
This topic is spawned by a recent mini
movie review on my facebook page. Some times, there are reviews that
are a bit misleading and require some insight into the “Bub
thinking process”. So let's get to it!
I work on a 1-5 scale, one being the
lowest and five being the highest. I've watched way too many movies
in my years, so I'm a bit of a snob. (Ha!) Very few movies are rated
a 5, fewer still retain that rating over the years. (Yeah, I wish I
didn't do retroactive ratings, but at times I do.) I try to avoid
not using whole numbers but I do allow half numbers. Say “3.5 out
of 5”, for example. I avoid going any lower than that, as
eventually you get into splitting hairs and trying to figure out what
deserves a 1/10th of a point and what doesn't.
To help give you readers a better
“taste” of my “viewing appetite”, here are some examples of
each whole rating. (Note: I am trying to pick movies I've liked for
years and given these ratings and don't expect to change them. As
always, however, change comes whether we like it or not.)
5 Rating:
To get a 5 rating, this movie has to be
damn near flawless. Maybe flawless. You can watch it several times
and notice something new. It has to take the story somewhere you
don't expect, nay can't expect. It has to either be something like
you've never seen before or done in such a way that you don't even
realize you've seen this story done before.
Let's see, it's hard to come up with
these. Dawn of the Dead 1978 (my favorite horror film of all time.
I have literally seen this movie in the hundreds of times.). The
Devil's Rejects. Casablanca. Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan. The
Empire Strikes Back. Iron Man (1). Captain America. The Dark
Knight.
4 Rating:
4 rating means it's great. Not good,
but great. But it doesn't have to be flawless. It can be a story
you've seen before but done in a totally new and/or different way
(Star Wars, the first one from 1977). Or it's such a ground breaking,
trend setting film that every other movie copies it and it's been
copied so much, it's lost some of it's power (Citizen Kane).
Examples include Star Wars (what is now
called “Episode 4”, but I refuse to use Lucas' stupid added-on
title). Citizen Kane (which most non movie snob fans can't
understand what the big deal is about it because so many movies have
copied it). Psycho (ditto the Kane note). Night of the Living Dead
1968 (ditto being copied and being trend setting. For those of you
that don't know, Walking Dead wouldn't exist with out NOTLD). Star
Trek 6 The Undiscovered Country. The Blues Brothers. Animal House.
Iron Man 2. Thor. The Dark Knight Rises. Excalibur. 300. 13
Assassins. 28 Days Later. 28 Weeks Later. Airplane. An American
Werewolf In London. Ben Hur. The Ten Command. The Big Sleep
(1946).
3 Rating:
This doesn't mean the movie is bad. It
means for some reason, I expected more. And for some reason, the
movie just doesn't have that “Oomph” to push it further. It's
lacking something that I'll try to address in each comment. It
doesn't mean I don't necessarily like the film either, I'm rather
fond of most films with the 3 rating. The recent remake of Evil Dead
released this year got a 3 rating. I expected more, given who made
it and the way they seemed to be taking it.
3 rating Films: Iron Man 3 (lots of
pretty pictures, but the story was lacking. Again, I expected more).
Evil Dead (2013) (Pacing, lack of horror, humor in the wrong places.
Oh and I'll say it, apparently duct tape can fix anything, including
an arm being cut off). American Beauty (This one is borderline.
There is nothing “wrong” with it, it's a well made film that I
enjoyed. But I guess it just doesn't connect with me on some level.
Too many characters conveniently falling into one another's life).
Assault on Precinct 13 (1976) (another movie I think there is nothing
wrong with, great story, good acting. It's biggest problem is it is
so obviously low budget. I honestly love this film and enjoy watching
it, it should be higher rated). Bram Stoker's Dracula (I guess my
biggest issue was this film was billed as being the closest to the
novel. It's not closer than Dracula 2000, oh and Dracula becomes
love's bitch). The Butterfly Effect (a good time travel movie for
the common person not acquainted with the basic concepts. I would
like to see a more complex, more mature version of it made). Captain
Kronos, Vampire Hunter (bad choice as lead actor, he turns an action
hero into a boring slob. He almost kills the film for me.
Thankfully Caroline Munro is there to be some amazing scenery)
2 Rating:
We now start to get into movies I would
call bad. Boring, lame, slow pacing, but usually a 2 rated movie
have only one major or multiple minor problems. It's not quite a
mess, but it's not anything I would be in any hurry to watch again.
Truthfully, most movies I see end up with a 2 rating.
2 rating Films
Batman Begins. Cloverfield.
Collateral. Constantine. The Greatest Story Ever Told (While the
story of Jesus might not be an action film, it's not this... slow...
moving... film...). The Dead Pool. (easily the worst Dirty Harry
movie, I blame Jim Carrey) Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (there is an
hour of this movie that could be cut and never missed). Saw (I know
people are suppose to do stupid things in horror movies, but come
on....).
1 Rating.
Major issues through out the film.
It's bad, it's real bad. I can be forgiving of low budget movies but
not poorly made low budget movies with no heart. Something had
rubbed me majorly wrong with this film and if you ask or read my
review, you will find out what they were. Be prepared for some blunt
talk here.
The alleged Star Trek 11 movie from
2009 fits in here. (I'll re post my review from my MySpace page if
anyone asks, lots of things to not like about it. I would actually
give it a lower rating but there were a few actual things about it
that I liked, largely Leonard Nimoy playing Spock one last time even
if the role is written poorly.) Hitman (the video game
“adaptation”). I Am Legend (My favorite Matheson novella done
very, very wrong). Miami Vice The (remake) Movie. Nightmare City.
Paranormal Activity. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (and it only gets
this high of a rating due the an action god in Chow Yun Fat). Saw 2.
Salt.
And lastly, we come the rating I give
out the least the dreaded “Zero” or 0 rating.
This thing has to be an utter dog. If
I give a film a zero, it's bad, really bad. If you follow my reviews
and agree or get along with them, you probably shouldn't bother
watching this film. If you disagree with my films, go Redbox it! I
honestly try to not give many zero ratings as I can usually find
something to give at least a half point or 1 point for, but this
dreck doesn't deserve to get that kindness.
Most of the cheap, bad, Italian zombie
George Romero ripoffs would fit here. The remake of Texas Chainsaw
Massacre from the mid 2000s would be here along with the remake of
Friday the 13th from the later naughts also. Automanton
Transfusion (The first movie I was so mad at for buying, Fangoria
lied to me. This is garbage.) Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (what
does this have to do with the flawed masterpiece from 1985?
NOTHING!). No Country For Old Men (I honestly couldn't stop laughing
at the “villain” who was basically Forest Gump's Mexican cousin
with a limp. It just seemed like some guy who got his foot stepped
on trying to act “tough”). The Spirit (Damn you Frank Miller,
Damn you!)
Oh, one last thing (man, can you tell
Colombo is on while I type this?), I try to pick some thing related
to the film as my rating icon. Usually one or two words to go along
with the number rating. Say “3 chainsaws out of 5” for the Evil
Dead remake. It could easily be “missing hands” or “evil
hands” or even “evil books”. Though some of my choices are a
bit more obscure (“yellow ovals” for a Batman film, for example),
I try to stick with more obvious ones.
So there you go, a small peek into the
movie review part of my brain. I'll take pity on you and not have
you travel any further into places no one wants to go. There you go
my Good Reader. As always, be good to yourself!
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